Women's Day
Happy women's day! I hope you got though all the tokenism thrown at you from the losers who won't change anything about how they behave with women in general, but get us hot pink cupcakes with sick icing that will make you choke up on the bad quality of bare minimum efforts.
The past week was hustling between college exams and work and obviously household chores. This Sunday I was looking forward to just breathing quietly without taking up too much space and without aggressively demanding more space.
It's my first post and I didn't want to start with my fat woman rant because it's kinda cliche, but you chose to come here so I will say what I want to say. My rage will also sound dumb to me, but 'felt angry and wouldn't delete this later.' I am writing this here because I don't want to speak to anyone else. I am tired. I am angry.
The day started with my body screaming for some more sleep and my mind feeding me guilt for wanting to miss out workout. I like to workout but lately I haven't been able to make time for it. The thing with being fat most of your life is, it's a DAILY exercise to detach your worth from your weight. So I plugged in my earphones to the comfort of Doja Cat singing:
"keep it juicy juicy, I eat that lunch,
She keep that booty booty, she keep that plump,
That natural beauty beauty, yeah, yeah
If you could see it from the front, wait 'til you see it from the
Back, back, back, back, back".
The guilt followed me when I wanted to take a second serve at the breakfast where I could have instead eaten a fruit. When I wanted to take another nap and I could have done some squats. At the lunch when I could just feel the piercing eyes on me when I reached out for a third chapati.
Cut to the evening. Just after dinner my dad decided to tell me I should be careful about fat rolls. Now here, honestly I am just relaxing: a moment away from the emotional labor and other responsibilities. Also one weird thing I learnt to do from a very young age is suck in my belly muscles at all times. It's such an old routine that it's involuntary to not breathe properly. I am working on it slowly (thanks to feminism and body positive movement who literally taught me I need to breathe better).
I got up to go to my room because I didn't want to screw up my Sunday. But then I do want to spend time with my family too, so I decided to join in for some more time. My weight loss discussion wrapped up with my dad just blurting out 'you should work out because this body doesn't look good.' And ofcourse I screamed back that firstly this was a mean sentence plus I am finally loving this body so no straight man have the right to tell me otherwise. The last sentence I heard before slamming the door was 'why she has to have opinions on everything?'
Now. I had full blown crying session, ofcourse because it's not a kind sentence to hear, but then I knew I had to write it down for someone to read. Because this is what a routine day looks like for a fat woman. Not a hot pink cake celebrating womanhood but a day where you will be glorified only to be told to not forget your real worth. This is women's day for us. For me. For choosing to not hate myself today. For not punishing myself. For tuning in to some rap that will wash over the hurt.
Now if you are like me, you can't stay angry for too long. If you are like me and caregiving comes naturally to you, the first thing you think about when you feel angry is, all the care that you will fail at providing. I hate fighting with my parents or loved ones or anyone in general. I don't get into fights. I apologize first. So more than me going to sleep feeling sad, I was worried about my dad sleeping sad. I haven't apologized for shouting and he hasn't apologized for his statement. But one thing he knows now is I will not succumb to this soft hate.
And what I know today is I have to workout not because I hate my body but because I absolutely love it. It's tragic that no one aggressively tell you that you will be loved for your art or your mind or your heart or your kindness. So when I say 'I love my body' it feels a revolution sets on my tongue and reads rebellion in everyone's eyes.
All of this today just because when someone asks me later in life 'Tum Khud Ko Bohat Pasand karti ho na?' and I can reply with "Bohat. Main apni FAVOURITE hoon."
Doja Cat wants you to be juicy <3
The past week was hustling between college exams and work and obviously household chores. This Sunday I was looking forward to just breathing quietly without taking up too much space and without aggressively demanding more space.
It's my first post and I didn't want to start with my fat woman rant because it's kinda cliche, but you chose to come here so I will say what I want to say. My rage will also sound dumb to me, but 'felt angry and wouldn't delete this later.' I am writing this here because I don't want to speak to anyone else. I am tired. I am angry.
The day started with my body screaming for some more sleep and my mind feeding me guilt for wanting to miss out workout. I like to workout but lately I haven't been able to make time for it. The thing with being fat most of your life is, it's a DAILY exercise to detach your worth from your weight. So I plugged in my earphones to the comfort of Doja Cat singing:
"keep it juicy juicy, I eat that lunch,
She keep that booty booty, she keep that plump,
That natural beauty beauty, yeah, yeah
If you could see it from the front, wait 'til you see it from the
Back, back, back, back, back".
The guilt followed me when I wanted to take a second serve at the breakfast where I could have instead eaten a fruit. When I wanted to take another nap and I could have done some squats. At the lunch when I could just feel the piercing eyes on me when I reached out for a third chapati.
Cut to the evening. Just after dinner my dad decided to tell me I should be careful about fat rolls. Now here, honestly I am just relaxing: a moment away from the emotional labor and other responsibilities. Also one weird thing I learnt to do from a very young age is suck in my belly muscles at all times. It's such an old routine that it's involuntary to not breathe properly. I am working on it slowly (thanks to feminism and body positive movement who literally taught me I need to breathe better).
I got up to go to my room because I didn't want to screw up my Sunday. But then I do want to spend time with my family too, so I decided to join in for some more time. My weight loss discussion wrapped up with my dad just blurting out 'you should work out because this body doesn't look good.' And ofcourse I screamed back that firstly this was a mean sentence plus I am finally loving this body so no straight man have the right to tell me otherwise. The last sentence I heard before slamming the door was 'why she has to have opinions on everything?'
Now. I had full blown crying session, ofcourse because it's not a kind sentence to hear, but then I knew I had to write it down for someone to read. Because this is what a routine day looks like for a fat woman. Not a hot pink cake celebrating womanhood but a day where you will be glorified only to be told to not forget your real worth. This is women's day for us. For me. For choosing to not hate myself today. For not punishing myself. For tuning in to some rap that will wash over the hurt.
Now if you are like me, you can't stay angry for too long. If you are like me and caregiving comes naturally to you, the first thing you think about when you feel angry is, all the care that you will fail at providing. I hate fighting with my parents or loved ones or anyone in general. I don't get into fights. I apologize first. So more than me going to sleep feeling sad, I was worried about my dad sleeping sad. I haven't apologized for shouting and he hasn't apologized for his statement. But one thing he knows now is I will not succumb to this soft hate.
And what I know today is I have to workout not because I hate my body but because I absolutely love it. It's tragic that no one aggressively tell you that you will be loved for your art or your mind or your heart or your kindness. So when I say 'I love my body' it feels a revolution sets on my tongue and reads rebellion in everyone's eyes.
All of this today just because when someone asks me later in life 'Tum Khud Ko Bohat Pasand karti ho na?' and I can reply with "Bohat. Main apni FAVOURITE hoon."
Doja Cat wants you to be juicy <3
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