Rebonding

Do you ever feel you have always known your parents in their current roles that it is almost impossible to remember them as young individuals they once were?

Dad ( middle) sporting denim shirts

These months of lockdown have been so interesting because it has brought all of us in the family to become super vulnerable with each other. Traditional roles have been messed up. I think for the first time in our lives, my brother and I are knowing our parents as individuals and not part of this team that they are supposed to lead.Versions we only have photographs for.

Mom's undying love for pickles during college years in pink suit

It was weird to know our parents telling us that this is the first time they are actually relaxing for so long since they started working and got married. They had me even before their first anniversary (I can hear the jokes in your mind). Two people in their early twenties with less than a year of dating, a kid and super basic salaries. One thing I find fascinating about my mom is, she is a brilliant decision maker. Impulsive, bold and JESUS COMPLEX.

I have never seen her drag fights. She will make us or our relatives sit at the table and confront it one on one. Saved us a lot of time to focus on ways to mend hearts later.

Life is just reversing roles. You open up to your parents, give them a spcae in your heart.I am scared to hurt anyoneb because
that is how my parents are. We all are each other's extensions.

Like you know this time. I got through Delhi University and I went to this first college and instantly loved it. My dad is not a reader but the first thing he said after I secured the admission was that the college had a lot of books. And it was true, I loved that library was the centre of college and it felt they constructed the college around that. That night back in the hotel room, the dinner was quite and I was just accepting that this is it. I get to be in my favourite city at 17 years of age and I am going to move out. My father just went to sleep early and he just said, "do what your heart wants. Maybe the long terms plans would change but you need to decide what you are going to do with your dream."

It's fascinating how parents deal with guilt. 

I remember our mother making us take weekends off from school and feeding us chinese every weekend to make up for all the meals we missed together, followed by cassata. Even today my idea of fancy food rarely goes beyond Chinese food which is technically not even chinese. It took me time to realize there's this whole world beyond Manchurian and fried rice.

Mom always with the most notorious jokes (in yellow saree)

Taking about guilt, after finishing college and coming back home, I haven't been really home. When I left Delhi, I held on to its memories stronger than before and kept myself detached intentionally to not give that up. Then I learnt I did not have to kill Delhi in me to make space for Bhopal. You can be in love with different people at the same time and I think it's really no use bottling up so many feelings. Like how we all learnt that we not have just one best friend but instead find best in many friends.

 So I think I am unwinding now. Spending time talking more, cooking more, learning more about same family memories again because I feel I really haven't been here with managing college and work. 

My dad once came back home from office and he said Hi that I didn't hear. Later at the dinner table he just talked about how I used to get all squeaky and excited to see him come back from work and now maybe we just grew out of daily rituals you know. Got our own lives. I am an emotional person and damn it I just really got sad for this old man.

The fucked up thing about growing up is you just learn to tone it town somehow. Your feelings, your efforts. So I didn't say anything to him like countering his statement. But I did cry that night. Because I don't want these two people who made me their entire lives to feel that I created one where maybe I wouldn't carry rituals they taught us with. To think I created a life they did not have anything to do with. God! never. So I wake up early and I try to make heart shaped rotis or slip a note saying 'Have a nice day' or just like skip a morning class and hug them when they go for work. Just an assurance that no matter how the day was, we all are returning here back together.

I have realized is guilt is not a bad emotion always. We can always begin now. We can be here now. Maybe that's why my parents talk to us in this voice we use to talk to kids and wake us up with cuddles because they are constantly trying so badly to catch up. I am trying to catch up with their ageing and forgetful memory. We are growing happier, more emotional bringing tougher conversations on the table. I hope we all get this space in our lives. To have our own grand lives and then flawlessly falling into old routines together, not worrying if we would lost ourselves. I hope we can be together and still be our own person.

Dad in earlier years of his job wearing crazy prints

Loving is easy and all of us are capable of it. We do not lose our right to fight, shout and voice our disagreement even in mad moments of love. On the other hand, I feel once I have truly loved someone, I have had ugly fights with them but never lost them. I like transparency. I crave vulnerability. If love hurt you once it also healed at the start. So when I remember love, I try to remember it with everything, sunshine and dullness. Remembering good things after something has ended is so hard but so important. 

We spend a  lot of time apologizing for the times we have failed people. I wish that was spent on trying to be more present. Apology is important but we are so bad with followups. Maybe we won't remember the times we couldn't be there but we will remember the times we were here. This is us cheating with time and we know we have spent a lot of time apart but some people will always always be worth the wait. All that will matter in the end was if we ever tried.